A somewhat long winded post….

It has been a very long time since I posted here. I could sit here and bore everybody with updates, but nothing extraordinary has happened. For the most part things have been the same, except for quite a number of negative things recently. Things from this point on get very personal. Not in a gory details kind of way. Just my thoughts on my struggle with anxiety. I honestly thought about not posting it but after thinking about it I decided I should. Maybe in posting this, it will help me feel more comfortable talking about it. Continue reading

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Easy come, easy go

Well things aren’t technically gone just heading south, quickly.

On a bit of a hiatus from “work” (I only put quotes around it because it doesn’t really feel like work with no set schedule and all that jazz) and have a bunch of stuff to pay. Still not done with all the college crap. Now having to go through the fun process of applying for jobs.

Basically just a whole great big ball of stress and anxiety. Leading to a seemingly endless round of insomnia. It is a quarter to 5 and I’m not even remotely tired.

I just don’t know what to do. Well in a sense I’m doing what I know I should be it’s just not being the miracle cure all I would like. I know those don’t exist but I sometimes wish they did.

This post isn’t flowing as easily as I thought it would. I was kind of hoping writing this would be a release of some kind. It might have worked if I could make the words form some coherent sentences. I guess I’ll try again later.

Until then off to watch more movies until I can find sleep.

Decide to be fine til the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you’re alive and that’s your job. And do it again the next week.” – Frank Devereaux [Supernatural]

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Quick Update

Why is it that every time I make a post it is super late? Anyway. I finally found a place for my photos. The link is in the photography tab. I explained it on there as well but unfortunately you have to have an account to comment on the picture itself. However if you have a comment or anything you can always just post it as a comment to the blog and just reference the picture. Update on school the semester is finally over! HOORAY! No more homework. Now I just have the stress of signing up for next semester and filling out the FAFSA and all that other super not fun stuff. 😐 But that’s okay. All part of the experience I guess, Well. I’m off to bed because I get to go and be with the pups tomorrow. 🙂 They are absolutely fantastic and I am so happy that I get to spend time with them. Anyway (again), Goodnight!

 “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”-Lily Tomlin

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You see what had happened was…

For the second time now (or is the third…I lost count) I have said I was going to be posting more and being committed and all that jazz just to complete turn around and not follow through.

Not to make excuses but I have actually been busy. *Gasp*

The end of the semester,the new job,getting a really nasty cold (still not completely over it),and planning out the next semester have kept me quite busy.

It is now 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep so I decided to put in a little update.

I’ve got a photography tab on the top bar now. Not much to look at just yet but I have my reasons for that. It’s not that I don’t have many pictures (503 to be exact) it’s just some aren’t that great and others need some slight editing. Well, there’s another reason but you’ll have to check the tab for that. 🙂

Things, though busy, remain pretty standard. Although I do have a few new, I guess you could say, obsessions. (haha) I’ll put them in a list.

  1. I have been binge watching basically anything that has Gordon Ramsay in it. I don’t know if it’s the fact that he’s british or how brutally honest he is but man I cannot stop with him (well it might also be the fact that he is pretty attractive). Before watching I knew of him from Hell’s Kitchen but I just assumed he was an a**hole and never bothered to watch. He is such a sweetheart and so polite unless you are one of the people on Kitchen Nightmares that insists that your food is good and your kitchen is clean even though you microwaved the entree and there is dirt caked on the wall. Tangent over. Definitely recommend watching if you have never given it a chance.
  2. Ed. Freaking. Sheeran. Man! So very very talented. The radio kind of made me cringe at the sound of his name when the A team first came out. Loved it the first 100 times then it got a little old. Then he sang I See Fire for the end credits of The Hobbit Desolation of Smaug and my interest in him peaked. After listening to basically anything I could find of him I am happy to say my personal soundtrack has a new member.
  3. Not really going in much detail here just because I could seriously talk all night about it but…My ongoing romance with Supernatural continues and grows stronger everyday. With such an amazing cast and just in general an amazing show…Ahh. I just can’t. Love love love.
  4. Yet another show though this one is new. Surviving Jack. Christopher Meloni, Elliot from Law & Order: SVU, is absolutely hilarious in this show. He reminds me a lot of one of my favorite comedians Ben Bailey. I can’t really give a good description of the show so I’m just going to say 10/10 would recommend watching this show(in my opinion).

That’s all I could think of off hand.

Now as we drift into 3 am I am actually quite tired now. Rather than say that I’m definitely going to be on more or make yet another statement that will end up being false I am just going to say I really miss writing these and hopefully that in itself will be enough to make me write more often.

Fingers crossed.

“I like being busy and juggling a lot of things at the same time. I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot.”-Ellen DeGeneres 

 

 

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Excitement (for once)

So, once again I was horrible and tried to make a post only to be distracted about 5 minutes later. This time the distraction wasn’t completely my fault though. I have been in an ongoing search for a job that I would actually enjoy and would still allow me to enjoy the outdoors a little bit. Of course I have been volunteering at the local SPCA for 2 years now and I absolutely love it. After I left there one day I thought how neat would it be to get a job working with animals. None of my local pet stores were hiring and I had sent out several applications through care.com to no avail. Just as I was about to give up and start applying for a retail job (ick) I finally received a call!

Now 3 days a week I have the pleasure of taking out 2 gorgeous black labs for a walk, giving them play time and loves, and just in general making them not feel so lonely while the owners are at work. I am extremely happy that I finally found something.

On top of that…

I have always loved photography. No, I’m not one of those people who thinks that just because I have a camera instantly means I’m a photographer. I have absolutely no Photoshop or editing skills but I do think that I can take some pretty decent pictures. However I don’t have a camera that produces pictures at a high quality level. I have my phone camera which takes pretty good pics at 8mp and then I have a Nikon that takes 10mp but I have always wanted a nice DSLR camera.

Well..I just joined a photography club at school and decided to start some research into prices and all that fun stuff. After a very long discussion with my dad and showing him all the research sometime next week I will finally be getting a Canon EOS T3i. I am super, SUPER excited to get it and start learning how to take and edit good pictures.

My normally not very exciting life had some major high points this week. I am most likely going to use this as a multi-blog type deal and start posting some photography here (likely in it’s own section). I would love to get comments and tips on any pictures that I post but of course hate will not be tolerated(ever).

Whew.

I feel like this post is just one run-on sentence that I’m saying while bouncing up and down with joy. Ha. I will definitely be on here more not so much because I want people to read about my adventures but more so because I really do find this fun.

On that note it is time to go and fix dinner or something.

“Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.” -David Frost

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I’m Terrible

So I’ve been more distracted than usual lately and every time I get on here to write my brain goes in five million different directions and well needless to say I never come back to writing.

(*Side note* I really don’t like the phrase needless to say. If it doesn’t need to be said then why say it? Yet I find myself using it quite often)

Anyhow, I’m not going to make a new post tonight cause quite frankly it’s late and I just want to lie down and read The Fault in Our Stars(again).

That being said, sometime tomorrow evening there will be a new post with most of my boring adventures in daily life with a few interesting highlights. Also the rant post is still being worked on though it’s having to undergo quite the editing process because well, I don’t want to sound like a complete a**hole.

🙂

I’m not even going to put a quote because this is basically just a filler post.

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Springing Forward

This time of year always brings a state of confusion. As I wrapped up playing Grand Theft Auto 5 and started getting ready to go to bed I glanced at the clock to read 1:54 a.m. After finishing I come in my room and crawl into the bed. By force of habit I glance at the clock and see 3:06 a.m. My first thought was “wow it’s pretty late” then it hit me that last time I checked the time it wasn’t even 2 yet. Once my brain made the connection I checked with my brother just to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind (well, what I haven’t lost already). So I figured since I can’t really sleep I’ll write a post.
I’ve been meaning to get on and write but every time I think to do it either I get distracted or something else comes up. Not really an eventful week. It was spring break so I didn’t have classes but I didn’t have any special plans so it was a pretty normal week for me. Of course spring break had to bring along two snow days and a whole bunch of other too cold for anything fun days. I’ve been out alone a lot this past week just people watching while sitting at Starbucks or just driving around the city.
I don’t know why but I find it so intriguing watching people go about their lives. While sitting in Starbucks I saw several people in suits walk in Bluetooth in one ear chatting away while trying to order and dig for money all at once. I saw one guy in the comfy chair in the corner reading a book. Another woman was on her laptop typing rapidly. I just love seeing people so concentrated in what they are doing. That focus and drive in their eyes. Like every move they make is planned out with a purpose behind it. While I find those moments so intriguing I also feel a bit of sadness in them. We are all so focused on what is going on in our lives that we don’t take time to look at what’s going on around us. Granted I’m not much of an outgoing person but on rare occasions I’ll start a conversation with someone and that moment stays in my mind for the rest of the day. Because I left my own little world to talk to a new person in the real world. I don’t know. Late night philosophical(ish) moment over.

^

^

I started that post then got too tired before I could finish it and submit so I’ll just add on to this one because I don’t want to just delete it.

Pretty standard week again. Nothing really interesting. Had an ongoing toothache for about 3 days. That was tons of fun……

I have just been in a general bad mood all week. Between the toothache, random headaches, and lack of sleep it’s been pretty hard for me to want to get out and be social. Of course that’s not to say that when I was out I didn’t have fun. Had a nice dinner and a good time at Red Lobster on Monday night. Then kind of stayed alone all day Tuesday just reading, watching Supernatural and occasionally working on a story I’ve been writing. It started with a dream that I had that really interested me because of the detail in it. I remembered it so vividly when I woke up that I instantly started writing it, though the more I write the more frustrating it gets.

Being in this strange mood has given me some clarity on character traits. Not so much mine (though some of it was) but on those that I’m around the most. What I noticed wasn’t all bad but some of it was just kind of dare I say annoying.

I personally like to think that I’m open minded. I listen and respect other people’s opinions and belief’s. But it becomes really hard to do that when they come across in a rude or disrespectful way. I’ll elaborate more on that topic in a later post titled Rant or something. This way if someone doesn’t want to read it they don’t have to.

On the brighter side of things.

I’ve got my top 5 University’s picked. Now it’s just a matter of actually visiting campus and seeing how well I like it while also being mindful of the cost of tuition. Since 3 of the 5 schools are private institutions and not public I know the cost is likely going to be above average. I had a slight anxiety moment thinking about that but then decided I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

And once again I started a post then got distracted before posting it. So as I lay here yet again unable to sleep (though I’m starting to get tired) I decided to finally finish this and get it posted. Hopefully next post won’t be too long from this one. I’ll do better!

“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” – Don Marquis

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Day Trip

As I mentioned in my first blog I love spending time with my mom. We get along well and have tons of fun together. So when my history professor told us about a field trip that we could invite a guest to the first person that came to my mind was: mom.
The trip was to the International Civil Rights museum in Greensboro,NC. If I’m being completely honest I was interested in going but I did think it was going to be a little boring. Boy was I wrong.
After a few hours of a drive (full of laughs and good times) we finally arrived and met up with the class. When the tour started I could already tell that there was not going to be a dull moment. We saw a robe from an actual Ku Klux Klan member and learned that at least 1,000 of them are still active even today. Our tour guide told us about horrible crimes against African Americans including children as young as 10. I already had knowledge of some of the things that he was telling us but I learned more about them along with so much new information. The museum itself is the actual location of the diner that 4 students started a peaceful sit-in to be allowed to eat at the bar rather than have to carry out the food. The bar had not been moved and was simply just refurbished a little where needed. An old cash register sat at the end and the menu was still up on the wall. 65 cent for a turkey dinner; 6 cent for a hot chocolate; 3 cent for a slice of apple pie. So interesting to see such prices. I mean yeah we have the dollar menu now but back then you could get a full meal and dessert for less than a dollar!
I say all that to say this. I learned a lot today and had a lot of fun learning it. I definitely recommend a stop there if the opportunity presents itself.After we got done at the museum we had an excellent lunch with the rest of the class then mom and I ventured out to the Four Seasons shopping center. Wow. That place was huge! 3 floors of stores. Cinnabon, Ruby Tuesday, Forever 21…so many places. Of course we didn’t get to walk half of it before we had to venture back home but we did make time to stop in a candy store to get a custom bag of Jelly Belly’s and we got a photo strip made.
All in all, many fun times were had and tons of information was earned.
Now I do believe it is time for some much needed relaxing and sleep.

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Dining Alone

Yet another night where cooking dinner would be a waste of time and food. Came home and brother was asleep and dad is busy at work. I haven’t eaten since breakfast and well to be quite honest I’m hungry. So after an internal debate on whether to go and get something I can bring home or go and sit down, I made the decision to go to a sit down restaurant. Granted this decision was not easy especially since I always have that little voice in my head incessantly worrying what people are thinking of me.

I remember when i was younger I used to see people dining alone and think that they must be so lonely. From a young age it is implied that eating should be as a group. Dinner is only dinner if the family is all at the table together especially if you are dining out. With that in mind if you think about how many people you see dining out how many of them are alone? Granted there may be a few here and there but for the most part everyone is with their significant other, friend, or family member. This makes me wonder. Are people avoiding eating alone because if some strange social stigma or am I just not paying close enough attention?

As a single, shy, 20 year old female in a small city dining with someone is not always an option. I would like to say that I’m confident enough to dine alone without feeling awkward or like I’m being judged but that’s just not the case. While I sit here eating my dinner, watching all the waiters busy about their job and all the couples and families enjoy the time with each other it really makes me wonder. Why do I feel alone? I mean besides the fact that no one is sitting with me, I am not alone. My brain has a hard time differentiating between being alone and being lonely. I know the difference between them but sometimes it’s hard to decipher how I feel. On one hand I really want to get out and meet new people and be social. On the other hand I feel anxiety when I try to start a conversation with someone I don’t know. Maybe that’s something that comes with age or maybe its just a personality trait that I will carry with me.

Its funny how one solitary dinner can make me ponder these things. Though I did feel rather anxious at first I really did enjoy the time to just think and talk to me. I know there is a strange feeling towards people who talk to themselves (and I don’t talk aloud) but I’ve never understood why. It is a great way to work through problems or emotions.

Well, now that all the deep talk is over I would like to say that my meal was very good.

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Just some salad to start then salmon as the main course. I think that’s my next goal for cooking. Make a salad with everything from the fresh market and maybe add in some grilled chicken or something…Seems like a plan.

Since most of this was written on my phone earlier and I can’t seem to find sleep tonight I decided to finish it up and post it at….3 am..Fun

Anyway. Off to sleep land I go … hopefully.

“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.”                           -Ellen Burstyn

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Adventures in cooking

As I mentioned in my last post I have been trying to learn new recipes. My hope is that I can cut down on eating out as much and try to have home made meals more often.

In theory that should be relatively easy, right?

Wrong.

I like to think that I am pretty capable of cooking things. Granted I don’t fix any 5 course meals but when I do fix dinner I like to think it’s a pretty complete meal. Then I started to notice that most of what I was fixing came from a box. Hamburger Helper, Velveeta dinner kits, that sort of thing. Not that I see anything wrong with that because quite frankly they are very good. But how much am I really learning from fixing things out of a box? So I made yet another goal for myself. I’m going to fix things that don’t come in a box.

Night #1

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Taco night! Nothing all to special about these but they were really good. Just some taco seasoning in the beef along with a little salsa and taco sauce. To go with the tacos I just got some mixed cheese and sour cream but nonetheless they made a very good meal.

Night #2

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This is the one I’m most proud of. It was kind of a last minute decision but it went a lot better than expected. So the baked beans and mac n’ cheese were not creative; the burger was the meal maker. The hamburger was put in a bowl and I threw in some mixed cheese, real bacon bits, garlic powder and A1 sauce. It doesn’t sound all that astonishing but they taste amazing. Definitely adding these to my repertoire.

Tonight

Okay so I’m not perfect and I have a slight tendency to get distracted from my goals every now and then. But in my defense everyone else in the house had already eaten dinner from somewhere else so I decided

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to get some sushi. The chef did a very wonderful job.

 

All future cooking adventures will hopefully be in a section all to themselves.

The rest of the day has been pretty relaxed. Played some Lego Batman and read some Neil Gaiman. Tomorrow (depending on the weather) I may go on a hike with a pup from the local shelter. Hopefully it’s nice because I really want to get out of the house. 🙂

“Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.”-Thomas Huxley

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