Yet another night where cooking dinner would be a waste of time and food. Came home and brother was asleep and dad is busy at work. I haven’t eaten since breakfast and well to be quite honest I’m hungry. So after an internal debate on whether to go and get something I can bring home or go and sit down, I made the decision to go to a sit down restaurant. Granted this decision was not easy especially since I always have that little voice in my head incessantly worrying what people are thinking of me.
I remember when i was younger I used to see people dining alone and think that they must be so lonely. From a young age it is implied that eating should be as a group. Dinner is only dinner if the family is all at the table together especially if you are dining out. With that in mind if you think about how many people you see dining out how many of them are alone? Granted there may be a few here and there but for the most part everyone is with their significant other, friend, or family member. This makes me wonder. Are people avoiding eating alone because if some strange social stigma or am I just not paying close enough attention?
As a single, shy, 20 year old female in a small city dining with someone is not always an option. I would like to say that I’m confident enough to dine alone without feeling awkward or like I’m being judged but that’s just not the case. While I sit here eating my dinner, watching all the waiters busy about their job and all the couples and families enjoy the time with each other it really makes me wonder. Why do I feel alone? I mean besides the fact that no one is sitting with me, I am not alone. My brain has a hard time differentiating between being alone and being lonely. I know the difference between them but sometimes it’s hard to decipher how I feel. On one hand I really want to get out and meet new people and be social. On the other hand I feel anxiety when I try to start a conversation with someone I don’t know. Maybe that’s something that comes with age or maybe its just a personality trait that I will carry with me.
Its funny how one solitary dinner can make me ponder these things. Though I did feel rather anxious at first I really did enjoy the time to just think and talk to me. I know there is a strange feeling towards people who talk to themselves (and I don’t talk aloud) but I’ve never understood why. It is a great way to work through problems or emotions.
Well, now that all the deep talk is over I would like to say that my meal was very good.
Just some salad to start then salmon as the main course. I think that’s my next goal for cooking. Make a salad with everything from the fresh market and maybe add in some grilled chicken or something…Seems like a plan.
Since most of this was written on my phone earlier and I can’t seem to find sleep tonight I decided to finish it up and post it at….3 am..Fun
Anyway. Off to sleep land I go … hopefully.
“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.” -Ellen Burstyn